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los angeles
September 2008 
Hole In My Heart
Posted on Feb 12th, 2006
by 
Nancy
Nancy
I woke up today with an incredible sadness for a loss that I recently experienced. I've realized throughout the course of the day that the specific loss itself is in many ways irrelevant. What is important to say is that this intense sadness left me feeling as if I had a hole in my heart. Which is where my miracle began.
Before going to church, I decided to journal, pray and meditate. A lot of times in my journaling I will allow my inner vulnerability to speak out and I, as the loving adult, will comfort it and give it what it needs. But today, I had nothing to give. So, instead, I asked God to speak to me in my journal. God said to allow IT to cradle me, reassure me of my importance & value, and remind me of how precious I am. I asked God how to do that, and IT said to focus my attention on ITs presence – in everything I do. Meditate and pray, but also be open to ITs presence as I’m working out, or walking, or even grocery shopping. Simply, allow myself to be cradled in God’s love. Pretty powerful.
And then I went to Agape to hear the magnificent Rev. Michael speak. Before I even sat down, I saw the topic of the sermon: “How the Hole in Your Soul Makes You Whole.” I think I started crying right then and there – God was truly at work.
Here’s what Rev. Michael had to say. First, we are not “feel good” addicts. Instead, we’re here to use whatever is present for our expansion into the truth of who we are. So, don’t push the sadness, depression, hurt, etc., away. Instead, embrace it fully. Allow the hole in your soul to become your opening for greater clarity, wisdom, grace, love, abundance, peace and transformation, so that the hole transforms into a highway for goodness. Said another way, allow your vulnerability to become your availability. And then (and this is key) place your attention on trusting in the omni-presence of God, and let IT flow through everything that you are - especially into those places where there are holes. In fact, above all else, set your desire on your connection with God. Seems like I had heard that before. ;-)
So, I get it. I’m allowing myself to move through the grieving process of my loss, and to experience the “hole in my heart” as an opening to receive God/the Universe's abundance and love. It’s not fun, but it feels a lot better than resisting. And, I can’t think of anything better to trust through this process than the Presence of God (with a capital "P"!).
On the lighter side, one of the lines in the benediction was, “Let what knocks you on your head open the hole in your heart so it can be filled by God.” I had to smile at that one. =)
Before going to church, I decided to journal, pray and meditate. A lot of times in my journaling I will allow my inner vulnerability to speak out and I, as the loving adult, will comfort it and give it what it needs. But today, I had nothing to give. So, instead, I asked God to speak to me in my journal. God said to allow IT to cradle me, reassure me of my importance & value, and remind me of how precious I am. I asked God how to do that, and IT said to focus my attention on ITs presence – in everything I do. Meditate and pray, but also be open to ITs presence as I’m working out, or walking, or even grocery shopping. Simply, allow myself to be cradled in God’s love. Pretty powerful.
And then I went to Agape to hear the magnificent Rev. Michael speak. Before I even sat down, I saw the topic of the sermon: “How the Hole in Your Soul Makes You Whole.” I think I started crying right then and there – God was truly at work.
Here’s what Rev. Michael had to say. First, we are not “feel good” addicts. Instead, we’re here to use whatever is present for our expansion into the truth of who we are. So, don’t push the sadness, depression, hurt, etc., away. Instead, embrace it fully. Allow the hole in your soul to become your opening for greater clarity, wisdom, grace, love, abundance, peace and transformation, so that the hole transforms into a highway for goodness. Said another way, allow your vulnerability to become your availability. And then (and this is key) place your attention on trusting in the omni-presence of God, and let IT flow through everything that you are - especially into those places where there are holes. In fact, above all else, set your desire on your connection with God. Seems like I had heard that before. ;-)
So, I get it. I’m allowing myself to move through the grieving process of my loss, and to experience the “hole in my heart” as an opening to receive God/the Universe's abundance and love. It’s not fun, but it feels a lot better than resisting. And, I can’t think of anything better to trust through this process than the Presence of God (with a capital "P"!).
On the lighter side, one of the lines in the benediction was, “Let what knocks you on your head open the hole in your heart so it can be filled by God.” I had to smile at that one. =)
Access: Public
Wow… Amazing story Nancy! Sorry you were/are in pain. Your friend must have been very wonderful.
Thanks, Matthew. The friend is still alive and well - and is indeed very wonderful. Sadly, it’s just our friendship that has waned. Thanks for your loving comment.
Oh…! I guess I was reading symbolism into it that wasn’t there. That gives it a whole different spin and sadness.
Importantly, the gift of today is that while I’m allowing myself to experience sadness, I’m also able to experience an incredible openness to love, healing and my own wholeness. All good stuff. =)
=)
You are such a wonderful person and I’m glad to know you. I am so glad the loss opened you up for something more, something larger. I love the perspective “which is where my miracle began;” that’s awesome. i still struggle to open up to such miracles, but it’s the best thing in the world. Whatever brings you home to yourself and to God is a blessing, that blessing arises from a perspective of clarity. I am happy to know you were victorious.
Sometimes it’s good to know that we can’t hold on and certain losses are beyond our control (which isn’t a bad thing). It is what it is and we cannot let it weigh us down for too long or blame ourselves. You let your heart be free and believe in yourself, and that is inspiring.
i wish you conitinued grace and heavenly empowerment.
Thank you for sharing this with us, Nancy. I really appreciate the sentiment, it’s something I think we all need to be reminded to hold space for!
Your post called to mind an incounter I had with my 5 y/o nephew, and thought I’d share..
I spent 2 weeks in Virginia assisting my sister with tending to her family after she had her second child. Every night, after reading my (then 4 y/o) nephew Gavin a bedtime story, we would say prayers together. Some time around day 8 or 9, Gavin informed me that he wouldn’t be praying tonight because God never answers his prayers. I thought about this for a second, and then told him, “God answers all prayers, baby. Sometimes we just don’t recognize the answers.” This seemed to satisfy him, and we set forth to bless those we love, request forgiveness for calling names at daycare and ask for help in learning to ride a bike.
After leaving Gavin’s room, I was faced with the daunting task of pondering my response to his querry… Where had it come from? Did I really believe that? After some tears of my own and some confronting-of-demons, the conclusion that I have come to is “yes”. There are gifts in all of our experiences, if we can open our perspectives and allow ourselves to recieve them. (It’s just harder to see this in the ones that sting)
Whenever I am faced with an experience that evokes pain or sadness, I recall the words of Pema Chodoron:
“The world will continue to annihilate you until you recognize
those parts of you that are indestructible”.
Know that we are walking with you in this journey of discovering your strength and perfection.
Amazing how life works…incredible story…but again one has to have eyes open and be willing to step out to learn from everything…
a toast to wilingness and open eyes!
I will definitely raise my glass to that toast, Wil!
And, Velvet, reading your last sentence and knowing I was supported on this wild journey we call life brought tears to my eyes! Thanks for the blessing.
Jessica, right back at ya in terms of being a wonderful person! I am so honored to have you as a friend.
Finally, Matthew, as always your brilliance, kindness and gentleness shine through. You are such a valuable presence for me here on Zaadz!
Thank you all for your love! You guys rock.
Likewise! (and were you referring to my “=)” comment when you referenced my brilliance, because I must confess, I actually got that idea from you)… :o)
I am at the end of the line here but still, this story rocks because it is out of the middle of your life so truthful and honestly brought, beautiful to read, thanks. You will be a fine coach, coach!
Leendert
Leendert - thank you, my friend. It’s so great to have your energy be part of this blog, whether it’s at the beginning, middle or end of the line! And thanks for the vote of confidence - I am definitely living into that today. =) Much love, Nancy
Nancy, it is part of the human condition to experience loss like this, and I think it is remarkable that you openly shared your experience so others can benefit from it. It’s funny how stuff that is the most painful is usually the catalyst for change in our lives. When I look back at the biggest losses in my life, they were always difficult and it was a process to work through them, but I always came out on the other end a stronger, clearer person with less attachments. Joseph Campbell describes these transformative experiences as the “hero’s journey”. He says it is like a snake shedding its skin, and coming out on the other end a fresh and new being.
Thanks again for sharing. :-)